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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
japanese corn
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*