If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
#damn
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Great Canadian literature.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.