Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.