Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Is your wife single?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
this country is so goddamn polarized