My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*