[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?