I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Baking is just science you can eat.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”