she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Rooting for the overdog
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that