“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sharon, call the vet
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.