Poetry is my passion
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen