You Might Also Like
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
This January has 47 Mondays
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Where is your GOD now????
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.