Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.