If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window