The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.