Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.