Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.