Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.