Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device