I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
B
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
BETRAYAL
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Mistakes were made
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury