No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!