when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.