ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!