#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.