Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
You Might Also Like
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes