My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
looks legit
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.