If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”