My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card