“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
You Might Also Like
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake