Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My dress code is business-casualty.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.