“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter