#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You Might Also Like
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My five year plan is a meteorite
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?