“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?