*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*