I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.