If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
How times have changed.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*