ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
You Might Also Like
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.