Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I have questions??
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family