[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.