[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.