my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night