Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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