Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Beware of the dog..
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Somebody call the cops.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness