The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth