Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
He wanted to make sure😂
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN