kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Meow
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat