Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Breaking news:
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*