People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Okey dokey.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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