it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Guys, I found it.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
my professor scared me for a second
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You wish you had this many chins.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something