Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am