Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The struggle is real